Week 5: Counterfactual Identity

My Counterfactual Identity...

My Counterfactual Identity…

Me and my little brother!

Me and my little brother!

I very much like the concept of this activity. I was kind of “eavesdropping” other people’s conversations, and they creating a “fake” identity, basically telling the other person the exact opposite of their true selves. Perhaps, it is because the person has already know their “true identity” and has no other alter-ego, therefore, they do not have a “counterfactual identity.” Anyways…moving on– I am getting side-tracked.

I met this new friend in my History 173 class and her name is Jennie. Jennie and I are still new and mysterious to each other, so I thought this activity would be fun to do it with her. I will explain later about my counterfactual identity later on… Based on my image, Jennie thought I looked a little intimidating, and those girls that are very keen on their appearances. She said that I don’t look like an engineering major, but a biology major perhaps. I look outgoing that would usually go out with friends to the 626 supermarket — I have no idea what that place is.

About my counterfactual identity, it kind of looks like the opposite of me. I normally always do not wear makeup because I can’t most of the time– get me? I am still “subconsciously” searching for my true identity. The way she describes me, there is some source of truth– I guess… hmm… I used to be able to make friends so easily…really. I was an easy person to approach and talk to, however it is totally the opposite now, because I’ve grown more knowledgeable. I tend to shut people out then wonder why I have no friends– stupid, huh? When I mean “knowledgeable” I mean if I know we are not compatible, I would not waste time to “try” to be friends. I feel like if its meant to be, it will happen eventually. Maybe some natural force like ending up a class together or sitting next to eachother will force us to talk and become friends– I don’t know. I just can’t help but not feel compatible towards other people. I am constantly asking myself– will they appreciate and have the desire to become friends? But at the same time, I do not really care or mind that I do not have friends. I come to school to get the job done, so I can have a life sooner. It is difficult to explain, but I feel too different and incompatible with everyone, except my family and boyfriend– and that it enough for me.

I am very keen on my appearance when I have the luxury to be. I do not really care most of the time because I value the feel of being comfortable while at school and at home. I want to spend most of my time with my boyfriend and baby too– it takes too long to “pretty-up.” My family is so poor, so I do not want to waste money on such things that are not needed like nice clothes and makeup. Would I have love to wear nice clothes and wear makeup to look nice? Hell yeah! My mom gets mad at me all the time for wearing like I am a homeless person. I don’t care if I look like a homeless person– I do not care that I am poor, because the whole world knows it. I cannot hide the fact that we are poor while living in a cheap, cracked apartment that could crush us at any time. I only wish people can stop telling me to wear nice, because I CAN’T! I DO NOT MIND! The way I wear now, people judge me like I am a fob that just came from Vietnam– I am Hmong American. A flaw from other acquaintances that I have met is that one thinks girls who wear makeup are crazy(thats me you are talking about) but they are no different from people who are obsess with something else, like games?

I have a plan for the future. My life can wait, I do not want to live in the moment– I have to live for the future. I have to accomplish become a nurse. I have to save up money to buy a house for my parents; I have to buy a car for my dad; I have to support my baby; I have to support myself. I have so much goals I need to accomplish. I cannot give a c*** about desires for now. I need PEOPLE to understand that. My boyfriend’s mom told me “Don’t think I am insulting you, but you have to dress better than that– it is not just your reputation but ours too.” In some areas, the Hmong culture is pathetic– it is sexist and unfair. When all of my goals are accomplished, I can then focus on myself. I need to do this– I apologize that I cannot apologize for seeming like a b****.

Oops– I forgot. I am majoring in Pre-Nursing. I do not have friends– only acquaintances to talk to about important things. I love to be open like shitting in the toilet. I love to dress up and wear makeup on my free time( which is like 3 hours in my room alone on a Saturday or Sunday). I also love to dress like a poor person, because the clothes are more comfortable and cheaper. I do love going out– only with people I am very close with. I am intimidating– so I’ve heard from people. My life would be fulfilled with just having enough money to buy food and some clothes, while living with the people I love being happy. But the people I love can’t live without desires. I hope in the future, everything that is planned out would be that way.

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